Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
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i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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