My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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