Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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