i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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