why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
