I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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