As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
