I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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