I'll bet she douches with gravy.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
