my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
