I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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