Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
