so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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