Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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