8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
