Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
