Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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