Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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