My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
