we made out on top of his cat.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
