we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
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