i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
