He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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