at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
