im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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