Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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