For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
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The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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