I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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