Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
