Christians are straight up FREAKS
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
