mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
