And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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