John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
