Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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