I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
