You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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