We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
