I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
