i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
