everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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