I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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