Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
