the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
We need to get me chipped asap
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
