I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
