I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
