wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
