im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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