i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Randomize
