this beer tastes like vomit already
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
