i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
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