She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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