my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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