he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
