My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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