I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
