when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
